I Don't Want to Die Here

       So it’s night two in my new haunted Santa Cruz home. Me, Rod, Stephanie, and our new roomie, who we have yet to meet, are living on the main floor of the house, three people will be living below us, and four people above us. At this point, however, it’s just me living in this giant creaking house alone with no one above or below me. What I find fascinating about the house is how by day it looks like the perfect country home, complete with apple trees, blackberry bushes, a porch, and view of the forest, but by night the house is something from a Tim Burton movie. “Beetlejuice” is all fun and games when you’re just watching, but if you were actually living in a house where your staircase handrail turned into a snake I’m sure that would be no laughing matter.

Just half an hour ago I was watching Arrested Development and trying to laugh loudly because everyone knows that ghosts don’t bother you when you’re exuding joy, when all of a sudden I saw a movement from the crack beneath my bedroom door. My heart stopped for a moment, I took off my headphones, and I heard scraping coming from the hallway. I waited until my heart began beating again and then with more willpower than those fat people on Dance Your Ass Off I opened my bedroom door, turned on the light and saw…nothing. I checked the whole main floor, double-checking the locks on the doors, and once I was satisfied I went back into my room. About 10 minutes later, out of the corner of my eye I see a shadowy movement by the door again and I quickly look up in time to see a mouse crossing my room. There was a millisecond where the mouse looked me in the eye and I swear at the same time we both thought “Oh Shit!”, but then the mouse in all it’s jittery glory ran back under the door. On the one hand it’s kind of nice to know that I’m not, in fact, the only one living in the house, but on the other hand I swear to God if that thing crawls on my face or body in the middle of the night I will burn this motha’ down! I’ve plugged up the crack beneath my door with some of my clothes I have yet to put away so now it can’t get into my room. Well, that, or I’ve just locked in all the other mice that are chilling in my room.

The first night I was here, there was a raging battle between a kajillion spiders and myself. I never kill spiders just in case one day I find a giant peach and I crawl into it and there’s an animated version of the spider I decided not kill and it spares my life because I spared its life. Also I don’t like to kill things that are too juicy. Anyway, so I spent an hour using a broom to sweep, swat, and swindle (I needed another s-word) spiders out of their nooks and crannies and out to the front deck. And the creature war began even before that. Earlier that day I was wandering through the backyard, admiring the apple trees, and kumquat tree, when I discovered a delightful little blackberry bush. Before my eyes could fully focus on what lay before me, my greedy little fingers had already plucked a juicy berry. And as I raised the berry to my lips I realized that my hand was COVERED in ants and gnats and other mysterious deviants. My eyes refocused and I could see that the bush looked like it was pulsating due to the enormous amount of insects crawling over leaves, branches, and berries. Needless to say the bush and I are no longer on plucking terms.

So I guess the house isn’t really in need of an exorcism so much as it’s in need of an exterminator. Maybe I’ll get the worst of both worlds and be haunted by ghost rats later tonight. Here’s hoping!